Funny Quotes and Funny Sayings to Start Your Day Godwin Delali Adadzie June 2, 2011 Quotes Comments Facebook20Twitter0Google+3Pinterest47 Some short funny quotes and funny sayings to make your day lighten up Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years. ~Anonymous Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. ~Erma Bombeck Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair. ~George Burns The road to success is always under construction. ~Lily Tomlin Nothing needs reforming so much as other people’s habits. ~Mark Twain If it weren’t for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn’t get done. ~Anonymous I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. ~Phyllis Diller Every man has one thing he can do better than anyone else–and usually it’s reading his own handwriting. ~G. Norman Collie Don’t you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There’s one marked ‘brightness’, but it doesn’t work. ~Gallagher Women like silent men. They think they’re listening. ~Marcel Achard The only reason people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory. ~Paul Fix The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. ~Anonymous If you cannot answer a man’s argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. ~Elbert Hubbard Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film. ~Steven Wright The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ~Anonymous I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. ~Anonymous A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. ~Fred Allen Gray hair is God’s graffiti. ~Bill Cosby In my life, I have prayed but one prayer: Oh, Lord, make my enemies look ridiculous. And God granted it. ~Voltaire Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you. ~Colin Sautar I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. ~Fred Allen Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile way and you have their shoes. ~Anonymous A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him. ~Sir Winston Churchill When women go wrong, men go right after them. ~Mae West Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. ~Rita Mae Brown Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad. ~P.D. East You can’t have everything… where would you put it? ~Steven Wright An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault. ~William Castle Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. ~Charles Schulz My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. ~Rodney Dangerfield I’ve never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished the fifth grade a year before I did. ~Jeff Foxworthy My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you? ~Erma Bombeck Some people are amazed at my brain, but really it’s nothing. ~Gracie Allen First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. ~George Burns Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It’s just that yours is stupid. ~Anonymous Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils … ~Louis Hector Berlioz Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected! ~Anonymous Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. ~Peter Tosh Every woman beautiful till she speaks. ~Zimbabwean proverb A closed mouth gathers no foot. ~Anonymous I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. ~G. K. Chesterton I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. ~Groucho Marx I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. ~Henny Youngman I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. ~A. Whitney Brown The woman cries before the wedding and the man after. ~Polish proverb The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. ~Walter Bagehot The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form. ~Evan Esar You can swim all day in the Sea of Knowledge and still come out completely dry. Most people do. ~Norman Juster You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all it accessories. ~Melanie Clark Facebook20Twitter0Google+3Pinterest47Google+ Godwin Delali Adadzie Tags:funny, funny images, funny photos, funny proverbs, funny quote, Funny Quotes, funny saying, funny sayings, images of quotes, lol, photo quotes, photos of quotes About The Author GADEL If you've enjoyed my posts, you might like to check me out on Facebook, Twitter and Google+ as well. Thank you.