Funny Quotes and Funny Sayings to Start Your Day

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Funny Quotes

Some short funny quotes and funny sayings to make your day lighten up :)

Who says nothing is impossible.  I’ve been doing nothing for years. ~Anonymous

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. ~Erma Bombeck

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair. ~George Burns

The road to success is always under construction. ~Lily Tomlin

Nothing needs reforming so much as other people’s habits. ~Mark Twain

If it weren’t for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn’t get done. ~Anonymous

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. ~Phyllis Diller

Every man has one thing he can do better than anyone else–and usually it’s reading his own handwriting. ~G. Norman Collie

Don’t you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There’s one marked ‘brightness’, but it doesn’t work. ~Gallagher

Women like silent men.  They think they’re listening. ~Marcel Achard

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory. ~Paul Fix

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. ~Anonymous

If you cannot answer a man’s argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. ~Elbert Hubbard

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film. ~Steven Wright

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ~Anonymous

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. ~Anonymous

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. ~Fred Allen

Gray hair is God’s graffiti. ~Bill Cosby

In my life, I have prayed but one prayer: Oh, Lord, make my enemies look ridiculous. And God granted it. ~Voltaire

Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you. ~Colin Sautar

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. ~Fred Allen

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile way and you have their shoes. ~Anonymous

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him. ~Sir Winston Churchill

When women go wrong, men go right after them. ~Mae West

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. ~Rita Mae Brown

Love your enemies.  It makes them so damned mad. ~P.D. East

You can’t have everything… where would you put it? ~Steven Wright

An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault. ~William Castle

Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today.  It is already tomorrow in Australia. ~Charles Schulz

My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. ~Rodney Dangerfield

I’ve never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished the fifth grade a year before I did. ~Jeff Foxworthy

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you? ~Erma Bombeck

Some people are amazed at my brain, but really it’s nothing. ~Gracie Allen

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. ~George Burns

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It’s just that yours is stupid. ~Anonymous

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils … ~Louis Hector Berlioz

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected! ~Anonymous

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. ~Peter Tosh

Every woman beautiful till she speaks. ~Zimbabwean proverb

A closed mouth gathers no foot. ~Anonymous

I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. ~G. K. Chesterton

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. ~Groucho Marx

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. ~Henny Youngman

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. ~A. Whitney Brown

The woman cries before the wedding and the man after. ~Polish proverb

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. ~Walter Bagehot

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form. ~Evan Esar

You can swim all day in the Sea of Knowledge and still come out completely dry. Most people do. ~Norman Juster

You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all it accessories. ~Melanie Clark

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