Some short funny quotes and funny sayings to make your day lighten up 🙂
Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years. ~Anonymous
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. ~Erma Bombeck
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair. ~George Burns
The road to success is always under construction. ~Lily Tomlin
Nothing needs reforming so much as other people’s habits. ~Mark Twain
If it weren’t for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn’t get done. ~Anonymous
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them. ~Phyllis Diller
Every man has one thing he can do better than anyone else–and usually it’s reading his own handwriting. ~G. Norman Collie
Don’t you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There’s one marked ‘brightness’, but it doesn’t work. ~Gallagher
Women like silent men. They think they’re listening. ~Marcel Achard
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory. ~Paul Fix
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. ~Anonymous
If you cannot answer a man’s argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. ~Elbert Hubbard
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film. ~Steven Wright
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ~Anonymous
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. ~Anonymous
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. ~Fred Allen
Gray hair is God’s graffiti. ~Bill Cosby
In my life, I have prayed but one prayer: Oh, Lord, make my enemies look ridiculous. And God granted it. ~Voltaire
Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you. ~Colin Sautar
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. ~Fred Allen
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile way and you have their shoes. ~Anonymous
A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him. ~Sir Winston Churchill
When women go wrong, men go right after them. ~Mae West
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. ~Rita Mae Brown
Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad. ~P.D. East
You can’t have everything… where would you put it? ~Steven Wright
An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault. ~William Castle
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. ~Charles Schulz
My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. ~Rodney Dangerfield
I’ve never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished the fifth grade a year before I did. ~Jeff Foxworthy
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you? ~Erma Bombeck
Some people are amazed at my brain, but really it’s nothing. ~Gracie Allen
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down. ~George Burns
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It’s just that yours is stupid. ~Anonymous
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils … ~Louis Hector Berlioz
Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected! ~Anonymous
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. ~Peter Tosh
Every woman beautiful till she speaks. ~Zimbabwean proverb
A closed mouth gathers no foot. ~Anonymous
I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. ~G. K. Chesterton
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. ~Groucho Marx
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. ~Henny Youngman
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. ~A. Whitney Brown
The woman cries before the wedding and the man after. ~Polish proverb
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. ~Walter Bagehot
The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form. ~Evan Esar
You can swim all day in the Sea of Knowledge and still come out completely dry. Most people do. ~Norman Juster
You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all it accessories. ~Melanie Clark
Introduction to Humorous Quotes
Humor is a universal language, transcending cultures and generations. It has the power to lighten moods, bond people, and provide a fresh perspective on life’s challenges. The quotes shared here, ranging from anonymous witticisms to insights from celebrated personalities, encapsulate this essence of humor. As we explore these quotes, let’s keep in mind the intent behind them – to add a dash of levity to our lives.
The Impossible Made Possible
“Who says nothing is impossible. I’ve been doing nothing for years.” ~Anonymous
This quote humorously challenges the conventional notion of ‘impossible.’ It suggests that sometimes, doing ‘nothing’ is an accomplishment in itself, especially in our fast-paced world where being constantly busy is often glorified. This paradoxical statement is a light-hearted reminder to appreciate the art of relaxation.
A Doctor’s Office Insight
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” ~Erma Bombeck
Erma Bombeck’s humorous advice serves as a quirky barometer for assessing a doctor’s capability. The underlying message is about attention to detail and care – if someone can’t keep a plant alive, how can they manage human health? This quote also highlights Bombeck’s ability to find humor in everyday observations.
Insightful Governance Satire
“Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.” ~George Burns
George Burns humorously points out that wisdom and leadership qualities are not confined to those in power. This quote gently mocks the often underestimation of everyday people who might possess great insights into governance but are overlooked due to their professions.
The Eternal Construction of Success
“The road to success is always under construction.” ~Lily Tomlin
Lily Tomlin’s witty observation reflects the ongoing nature of success. It’s a journey rather than a destination, always requiring work and improvement. This quote resonates with anyone striving for success, reminding us that it’s a constant process rather than a one-time achievement.
“Nothing needs reforming so much as other people’s habits.” ~Mark Twain
Mark Twain, known for his sharp wit, highlights a common human tendency: to see flaws in others more readily than in ourselves. This quote serves as a humorous nudge to focus on self-improvement rather than trying to change others.
The Last Minute Rush
“If it weren’t for the last minute, a lot of things wouldn’t get done.” ~Anonymous
This anonymous quote humorously acknowledges the procrastination habit common to many. It suggests that deadlines, however stressful, are often the catalysts for action and productivity.
Parental Aspirations and Irony
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” ~Phyllis Diller
Phyllis Diller humorously captures the aspirations of parents for their children’s success, followed by a witty twist on looking forward to the benefits of that success. This quote is a light-hearted take on the cycle of life and parental dreams.
The Personal Skill of Handwriting
“Every man has one thing he can do better than anyone else–and usually it’s reading his own handwriting.” ~G. Norman Collie
This quote by G. Norman Collie humorously addresses the unique and often illegible nature of personal handwriting. It’s a fun acknowledgment of the individuality found in the simple act of writing.
The Quest for Intelligent Television
“Don’t you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There’s one marked ‘brightness’, but it doesn’t work.” ~Gallagher
Comedian Gallagher uses this quote to humorously critique the quality of television programming. The play on the word ‘brightness’ as a metaphor for intelligence is a witty comment on the wish for more intellectually stimulating content in media.
The Silent Attraction
“Women like silent men. They think they’re listening.” ~Marcel Achard
Marcel Achard’s quote is a humorous take on communication dynamics in relationships. It suggests that sometimes, being a good listener is more about being silent than responding – a light-hearted observation on the complexities of human interaction.
The Unfamiliar Territory of Thought
“The only reason people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.” ~Paul Fix
Actor Paul Fix humorously suggests that deep thinking is not a common practice for many. This quote is a witty reminder of the importance and rarity of introspective and critical thinking in our daily lives.
Beauty vs. Brains: A Perception Challenge
“The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.” ~Anonymous
This anonymous quote humorously addresses gender stereotypes and societal values regarding beauty and intelligence. It’s a
satirical take on how external appearances are often prioritized over intellectual capabilities.
The Last Resort in Arguments
“If you cannot answer a man’s argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names.” ~Elbert Hubbard
Elbert Hubbard wittily comments on the common human tendency to resort to name-calling when logic fails in an argument. This quote humorously highlights the less rational side of human nature during disagreements.
The Quirk of Memory
“Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.” ~Steven Wright
Comedian Steven Wright offers a whimsical explanation for why some people seem to have better memories than others. This quote plays on the concept of a ‘photographic memory’ with a humorous twist.
A Twist on Early Bird Wisdom
“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” ~Anonymous
This anonymous quote humorously challenges the proverb “The early bird gets the worm,” suggesting that sometimes, patience and timing can be more advantageous than being the first.
Natural Foods vs. Natural Causes
“I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.” ~Anonymous
This humorous quote pokes fun at the health food movement, suggesting ironically that ‘natural’ isn’t always synonymous with ‘safe’ or ‘healthy.’ It’s a playful take on the complexities of health and diet trends.
The Irony of Celebrity
“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.” ~Fred Allen
Comedian Fred Allen humorously captures the paradox of fame: the pursuit of recognition followed by the desire for anonymity. This quote reflects on the irony inherent in celebrity culture.
Gray Hair as Divine Art
“Gray hair is God’s graffiti.” ~Bill Cosby
This quote by Bill Cosby puts a positive and humorous spin on aging, likening gray hair to a divine form of artistic expression. It’s a light-hearted way to embrace the natural aging process.
The Prayer for Ridiculous Enemies
“In my life, I have prayed but one prayer: Oh, Lord, make my enemies look ridiculous. And God granted it.” ~Voltaire
Philosopher Voltaire’s wit shines through in this quote. It’s a humorous take on dealing with adversaries, suggesting that making them appear foolish is more satisfying than conventional forms of revenge.
Paranoia and Reality
“Just because you’re not paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.” ~Colin Sautar
Colin Sautar’s quote humorously blurs the line between paranoia and reality. It’s a playful nod to the often unfounded fears that people have about others plotting against them.
The Law School Grad’s Revenge
“I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.” ~Fred Allen
Fred Allen humorously suggests the ultimate application of legal education: using it to outsmart the very institution that provided it. This quote is a witty commentary on the practical use of learned skills in real-life situations.
A Mile in Their Shoes
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile way and you have their shoes.” ~Anonymous
This humorous twist on a common piece of advice not only suggests empathy but also adds a clever, self-serving angle to the act of criticism.
The POW’s Dilemma
“A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.” ~Sir Winston Churchill
Sir Winston Churchill’s quote provides a darkly humorous perspective on the paradoxical nature of war and the human condition during conflict.
Following the Wayward
“When women go wrong, men go right after them.” ~Mae West
Actress Mae West’s quote is a witty observation on the dynamics of attraction and the often irrational nature of human relationships.
The Path of Temptation
“Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.” ~Rita Mae Brown
Rita Mae Brown humorously acknowledges the human tendency to be drawn towards tempting situations, suggesting a level of self-awareness and independence in pursuing one’s desires.
The Frustration of Loving Enemies
“Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.” ~P.D. East
Journalist P.D. East’s quote turns the concept of loving one’s enemies into a strategy for aggravation rather than reconciliation, adding a humorous spin to a traditionally moral directive.
The Limitations of Having Everything
“You can’t have everything… where would you put it?” ~Steven Wright
Steven Wright’s quote humorously addresses the materialistic desire to have it all, juxtaposing it with the practical limitations of physical space.
The Confused Expert
“An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.” ~William Castle
William Castle humorously highlights the often perplexing nature of expertise. Experts, with their complex jargon and detailed explanations, can sometimes make straightforward concepts seem bewildering, leading us to question our own understanding.
Tomorrow’s World Today
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” ~Charles Schulz
Charles Schulz, with his characteristic wit, offers a light-hearted perspective on the doom and gloom that often dominates our thoughts about the future. This quote reminds us of the relative nature of time and the importance of maintaining a sense of humor in the face of existential worries.
A Darkly Comical Last Wish
“My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.” ~Rodney Dangerfield
Rodney Dangerfield’s quote is a perfect example of dark humor. By juxtaposing the solemnity of a dying wish with the macabre setting of an electric chair, Dangerfield creates a humorously shocking and unexpected twist.
“I’ve never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished the fifth grade a year before I did.” ~Jeff Foxworthy
Comedian Jeff Foxworthy uses this quote to playfully mock familial relationships and the competitive nature that can exist within them. It’s a humorous take on the quirks and idiosyncrasies that make family dynamics both frustrating and endearing.
The Philosophy of Housework
“My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?” ~Erma Bombeck
Erma Bombeck’s quote provides a humorous and pragmatic approach to housework. It suggests a relaxed attitude towards domestic perfection, prioritizing practicality and peace of mind over an impeccably clean home.
Underestimating the Brain
“Some people are amazed at my brain, but really it’s nothing.” ~Gracie Allen
Gracie Allen’s self-deprecating humor shines in this quote. It’s a modest, tongue-in-cheek way of acknowledging one’s abilities while simultaneously downplaying them, a humorous nod to the complexities of self-perception.
The Forgetfulness of Age
“First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.” ~George Burns
George Burns humorously outlines the progressive nature of forgetfulness that often comes with age. This quote is a light-hearted reminder of the inevitable and often amusing aspects of growing older.
The Futility of Opinions
“Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It’s just that yours is stupid.” ~Anonymous
This anonymous quote offers a comical take on the subjectivity of opinions. It humorously underscores the universal truth that while everyone may have an opinion, not all opinions are equally valued or valid.
The Deadly Teacher
“Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils …” ~Louis Hector Berlioz
Composer Louis Hector Berlioz uses this quote to highlight the paradoxical nature of time. It’s an amusing yet poignant reminder of the inevitability of aging and the finite nature of life.
The Modern Girl Analogy
“Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you’ll be disconnected!” ~Anonymous
This anonymous quote uses a playful analogy to comment on the complexities of relationships and communication. It humorously suggests that like technology, human interactions require careful handling and understanding.
The Irony of Eternal Desires
“Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.” ~Peter Tosh
Reggae musician Peter Tosh’s quote succinctly captures the irony in human desires for eternal bliss without the willingness to face life’s ultimate reality. It’s a humorous reflection on the contradictions inherent in human nature.
Silence is Golden
“Every woman beautiful till she speaks.” ~Zimbabwean proverb
This Zimbabwean proverb humorously and perhaps controversially suggests that beauty is not just in appearance but also in demeanor. It’s a reminder of the cultural variations in humor and the different perspectives on gender and communication.
The Wisdom of Silence
“A closed mouth gathers no foot.” ~Anonymous
This anonymous quote humorously advises on the virtue of silence. It suggests that sometimes, it’s better to say nothing at all than to speak and end up embarrassing oneself – a witty take on the old adage, “It’s better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.”
Conclusion: The Timeless Joy of Humor
Humor is a powerful tool for coping with life’s challenges, connecting with others, and gaining perspective. The quotes explored in this article, ranging from whimsical to wry, exemplify humor’s diverse forms and its universal appeal. They remind us that laughter can be a source of comfort, a means of communication, and a way to see the world through a more light-hearted lens.
Humor transcends barriers, whether they be cultural, linguistic, or personal. It allows us to laugh at our own shortcomings, poke fun at life’s absurdities, and face difficult situations with a smile. As shown through these quotes, humor can be found in the mundane, the profound, and everything in between. It’s a testament to the human spirit’s resilience and our inherent desire to find joy even in the darkest of times.
Each quote, in its own unique way, serves as a mirror reflecting our human experiences, thoughts, and emotions. They capture the essence of human folly, the complexity of relationships, and the ironic twists of fate. From the self-deprecating to the sharply observational, humor in all its forms helps us navigate the complexities of life with a bit of levity and grace.
In conclusion, the art of humor is much more than just a good laugh; it’s a vital part of the human experience. It provides relief, fosters connections, and offers insights into the human condition. As we journey through life, let’s remember to embrace the power of humor, for it not only lightens our days but also enriches our lives with its timeless joy.